My worst day physically and mentally

Struggling Metal and Physical Illness

Struggling with physically illness is one thing. You sick. That understandable. When you struggling with another mental illness is another thing. It feels like you having two war at the same time and it feel exhausted. 

Remembering my worst morning not being able to utter one single word is not the worst. The worst feeling is when feels world doesn't love you and your not being worthy to be loved. No one ever love or like you

That depression has taken over me. When i'm not feeling myself. When i snap out over little things. When i could cry for no reason. Even i could be mean. i numb to feel anything. when i feel need to isolate myself, sleep and cry the whole day because it easier to handle

its been 2 days i've lost my voice. having throat infection is common. like me having allergy for no reason. but being extra busy, i've been reckless to take care myself. i don't even eat. keep overthink for incoming fashion show. extra perfectionist over my design

that anxiety come and hugs me. it makes your brain tired of everything but still want to think.  When you work extra hard beyond your limit, then you physically sick. how i wish there an on/off button in my brain. Mental illness can seriously lead to physical illness. That the worse combination ever

regardless, i always say i have beautiful brain. even there is up and down in acceptance, still its a long journey to go

My worst day

that is today. when i feel its been too long i've been holding up. Trying to not broken but eventually i just shattered. and i feel so alone fighting this two vicious war and i just cry. to add up this mess, i cant even talk to express. so, i write in this blog

i wanted someone to ask me "Are you okay?", but there no one around me who can sit there. To show that they truly care. like my 1st Dragon Ball, when i come to her one day and cried on her lap. she just stay silent and no question asked. How understanding it is for me

when i look so normal, or too tough to be sick, that why they think i just okay to fight alone. its not them i wanted to blame and there no one to blame either. it just how they show how they care are different.but having this "unimportant, not worthy, unloved" feeling, need a constant validation from others.

And today, i just let myself shattered. Cry all day just because i wanted too. as i believe i need to broke down as much as i need to rise again stronger. I'm not gonna blame myself for having bad day. it part of this whole entire cycle

Why cry?

because i often cry, my friend asked "Is your tears significant anymore? They are out on every occasion". yesssss it is, my tears are still significant. Even i cry every single day, its my coping mechanism. even it comes with whole package with headache, sore throat and nose blockage after that. 

Tears is not sign of weakness but that a sign of my struggle and my strongest indication that i'm still alive. As i believe, me being sad 100 times better than i feel numb. The worst feeling is numbness and overwhelmed . the moment you really don't know what to feel, of course not happy, not sad even not being angry. you just feel nothing

 one things about people with beautiful mind, either i feel too much or didn't feel anything at all. when i feel too much, it will consume me in endless overthinking  thought. exhausting. figuring up my emotions for the day could be a hard work.